Dear Airport Bathrooms:

Can you get your shit together, please? No pun intended?

When i put the seat cover on the seat, usually i unbutton my pants before i sit down to piss, so how about not flushing before i even get my cheeks on the seat, thereby taking the damn cover down with you?! It took me five minutes to rip that thing in the right places without reducing it to shreds, for fuck's sake. And while we're on the subject of flushing: how about not doing that while i'm still actively using the damn toilet, thereby spraying my ass with toilet water? Yeah, that'd be tops, thanks. Peachy keen.

As for the sink area: If you're going to have Automatic-Sensor Everything, can you make sure it actually works, please? When i put my hands under the soap dispenser, nothing comes out. But when i move my hands away from the soap dispenser, a pathetic little squirt of white soap (note to phallic automatic soap-dispenser liquid soap companies: Pick a different color, i implore you.) falls down onto the counter. Great, now i actually have to clean up after a robot. This is just not okay.

So hey- thanks for listening, stay super sweet and have a great summer!

p.s.) Some city workers found the remains of a mammoth in downtown San Diego, while excavating some earth to build the foundation for a new multi-million dollar law school. This makes me sad because i would rather be living in the time of the mammoths than in the time of things like "New Multi-Million Dollar Law Schools". Blah.... at least this find is one more chink in the creationists' armor. Sorry, guys, but we're sad for you because you're just lying to yourselves! It'll be okay, i promise.