Saturday, November 23

circling all 'round the sun

i have been so positive this past year. So, so full of benevolence and hope. But now it feels that something has shifted, sickeningly; i am lurching through lurid scenes that everyone else experiences as what they are– the norm. Now, suddenly, i am vibrating at a tremendous, unsettled frequency, keening a bit higher each day until certainly, a plateau will be reached, and beyond that– a cliff. The drop will not be freeing. i will hit rocks the whole way down and be mangled on repeat, and i don't know how far it will go. The only way to know is to fall.

When i started this blog a million years ago the name was a phrase that i found floating along in my head from time to time. i was in love, and i lived with that love, and we shared everything and put it on display so that every second in this apartment was like a celebration of happiness and fulfillment. Now, in one week's time, i am leaving this place, this space. That love, having been gone almost two years now, still shone at me from each corner of each room. But it was okay. It was mine to remember.

Now, it does not feel okay. Today i began a dismantlement process that i literally had to turn away from at times... Closing my eyes as a rolled up a poster. Looking, sighing, to the ceiling as i threw some memento or another into the kitchen trash with all of the other garbage. i feel as though i can never quite breathe deeply enough.

They say change is good. Hell, i've been saying it, for months now. But when you are so familiar with a landscape that is almost literally becomes your own personal universe, where do you go when you have to leave? What else is there?