not what you think.

We have a dulcet green note in our "Stickies" application that reads, simply, "look into suicide".

The story behind this delightfully cheery reminder lies behind the fact that this is my life lately.

No, seriously.

Recently i remembered that ever since high school, i've wanted to volunteer for a suicide hotline. Not sure where this feeling originally came from, but it has been lurking in the back of my mind ever since. Maybe it's a reflection of my own desire to see the forest for the trees. i spend so much time holding on desperately to any little thing that might lift my spirits, that i am completely losing track of a cohesive, "bigger-picture" existence. Perhaps in being able to show other struggling people the things i have learned along the way, i can finally move on. It would be nice to finally be of use to someone who needs clarity, to be able to help a despondent soul. Who knows, maybe i am flattering myself. i don't even know if this is something i can do from home, or if i have to go to a call center, or what. But it certainly seems important enough, even though i'm sure there are people who think there are more important ways to spend one's time.

However, sitting around all day on the internet and being unable to leave the house until the sun goes down simply cannot be healthy. i am tired of being afraid. It's (way beyond) time to change something.


Nat didn't want me to forget, so he brought up Stickies (i know, right? why can't we just write shit on paper anymore?!) and typed "look into suicide", then paused, presumably trying to decide between the word "prevention" or "hotline", or go for both. But it was so perfect just the way it was that i made him leave it alone.

Anyway, there it is, my reminder. I've gotta look into it.


In the meantime, here are some really fun underwater art photos and a video of a guy playing "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" on wineglasses. Don't fight it: you know you wish you were him. i certainly do:



..magical! Also: love his bitchin' valet outfit. Toodles.