nothing much to say.

it's saturday, quarter to five in the evening. don't want to leave the house today for some reason. haven't had this problem in awhile... wonder what it is? normally when the (san diego pseudo-)fall weather begins, i'm all about being outside. just can't seem to face the world, is all.
(ha ha, as if that were a tiny problem.)

i know there are other people with these same sorts of issues, but that doesn't make me feel any less pathetic. perhaps my adamant refusal to see a therapist needs to do an about-face. after 2 years down here, i'm not sure if i am any more well-adjusted. still miss home all the time; still feel like a stranger in a not-so-strange land.

how do people end up this way? so afraid of everyone, everything, themselves? it's not right. people tell me i am better, but it just doesn't seem that way. maybe it's hard to notice from the inside out, like how parents don't notice a child's growth as sharply as the friend who only visits every few months. how does one know if one is making progress? what is progress? it seems to be two steps forward, one step back. or in my case, one step forward and two back.

gotta branch out. gotta try new things. tonight i might try making a woodcut print, which is definitely something new. but it will have to be a crude approximation, as i have no wood-carving tools or even a brayer. but i will make it work somehow!

there is a scene in Marjane Satrapi's amazing animated movie Persepolis, wherein the protagonist pumps herself up by listening to "Eye of the Tiger", and proceeds to dramatically reshape her life, predominantly by going back to school. this is inspiring indeed. would that it were so easy.

...maybe i should download the song, just to be sure ;)

cheers.

p.s.) heading up to S.F. the weekend of October 17-20, to cheer on a friend who will be running a marathon there. i can hardly wait :) The only hitch is that a long-awaited musician whom i've been dying to see is playing in L.A. at 8 pm on the monday we are returning, which is a slim margin indeed. also, the last train back to san diego leaves union station at 10:10 pm. hmph. can it be done? prooooooobably not.