I've finally figured it out...

...Why i'm so unhappy here.
It dawned on me at 2:30 in the morning while i was half-awake, trying to do the Sunday NYT crossword (i should have just gone to sleep, but i was wary of moving to turn off the light and waking up the Sleeping Grad-student Boyfriend, who so desperately needs and deserves what little rest he can get).

I feel like the best of my life is behind me.

A pretty sobering thought, to be honest. When we lived up in Berkeley, everything was basically peachy. i loved our tiny, sunny apartment, i could ride my bike anywhere i needed to go, and even though nat and i both had some fairly crappy jobs, we had good times, too. Everywhere you looked, there was a good memory for us. i remember thinking that maybe i would start going to school, or take a few art classes, and that everything would be good. Life would continue going along at its pace, taking me with it, and that was just fine.
But then we moved down here, to San Diego. For a year and a half, i have done absolutely nothing, it seems like, for which i am willing to take almost all of the blame. This condo is like a dark cavern, the weather here is hot and humid, the people exist on a totally different wavelength (self-tanning, rampant exhibitionism, teeth-whitening, liposuction, SUVs galore, extreme alcohol intake, etc. etc.), there are very few restaurants with edible food, the most-played bands on the radio are Sublime and Bob Marley (no offense there, Bob), and really, the list goes on. And on. And on.
But what struck me last night was that i have absolutely no good hope for the future. i am not looking forward to anything, except for the day when we can move away from this cesspool and leave San Diego behind us, hopefully for good. Whereas up in Berkeley, life was something like, "what awesome place shall we go to for dinner?" or "which fun thing should we do this weekend, this or this?" down here it more along the lines of "is there even any reason to go out to eat anywhere?" and "what are we doing this weekend? oh, right- nothing."

So yeah. Man, am i ever negative! And honestly, most of this is due to the fact that nat just has waaay too much work to do since he started school, and i am petrified to leave the house because i'm just not the tank-top & flip-flop wearing type, and it's 80 degrees outside. i guess that's somewhat of a generalization though- really it's 75 all year long. Ugh. How exciting. And the light- when we visited the Bay Area most recently, i was struck by how beautiful the light was. Shimmering, opalescent, trembling through the leaves. It's.... sharper, somehow. And people actually have gardens. And there are trees. And bookstores. And good bands. And movie theaters. And more great restaurants than you can shake a stick at (who was shaking that stick, originally, and why?!). And animals, such as cats and dogs. And families; children. i miss all that stuff like you would not believe. Mostly the being able to ride my bike everywhere part. And the part about how vegetarian dining options need not merely be the meaty options sans meat; they can be their own innovative creation entirely. Yeah, those were the days.

But you know what? Yesterday i read an article about how food prices are escalating, all over the world, and i saw a photograph of a crowd of women in Pakistan pushing against each other to order food from a market; some had their faces literally pressing against the glass, contorted and scared. It was quite a sight. And a reminder for me, to shut the hell up and get on with your life. I've got nothing to complain about, actually, now that i think about it, and when life gives you a wake-up call, you just have to actually wake up.

So why do i still feel like everyone around me is washing up onshore, moving on wondrously and unflinchingly toward their respective destinies and destinations, while i'm just floating around numbly 300 yards out, wondering how to get caught up in The Flow?