circling all 'round the sun

i have been so positive this past year. So, so full of benevolence and hope. But now it feels that something has shifted, sickeningly; i am lurching through lurid scenes that everyone else experiences as what they are– the norm. Now, suddenly, i am vibrating at a tremendous, unsettled frequency, keening a bit higher each day until certainly, a plateau will be reached, and beyond that– a cliff. The drop will not be freeing. i will hit rocks the whole way down and be mangled on repeat, and i don't know how far it will go. The only way to know is to fall.

When i started this blog a million years ago the name was a phrase that i found floating along in my head from time to time. i was in love, and i lived with that love, and we shared everything and put it on display so that every second in this apartment was like a celebration of happiness and fulfillment. Now, in one week's time, i am leaving this place, this space. That love, having been gone almost two years now, still shone at me from each corner of each room. But it was okay. It was mine to remember.

Now, it does not feel okay. Today i began a dismantlement process that i literally had to turn away from at times... Closing my eyes as a rolled up a poster. Looking, sighing, to the ceiling as i threw some memento or another into the kitchen trash with all of the other garbage. i feel as though i can never quite breathe deeply enough.

They say change is good. Hell, i've been saying it, for months now. But when you are so familiar with a landscape that is almost literally becomes your own personal universe, where do you go when you have to leave? What else is there?

First, i was talking to my floss.

Aaaaaand then this afternoon i find myself editing the "peanut" article on Wikipedia. What is happening to me?! Have i already become a crazy old lady, lonesome and desperate and reaching for any tiny connection to this (legume-filled, among other attributes) world?

i didn't even actually edit it– i posted my qualms under the "talk" section. shows how much of a go-getter i am. i mean, if you're gonna be crazy, you may as well go nuts*, am i right? (like the time my boyfriend and i were up too late on the internet and edited a different Wikipedia article's sentence to include the word "sharted". It was removed less than 48 hours later. Sadface.)

With any luck, this can all be ascribed to the simple fact that i am not feeling well. More than just a bit run down these past few days. Pretending to not have a cold! Is fun! Yet wearisome!

Now, to pour boiling water over some shredded ginger and drink it down intently as if it were a magic potion.
Works every time.



*soooo sorry.

Deeeeeeep thoughts...

tiredness and/or loneliness is perfectly summed up when your floss rips to shreds as you are tearing it off and you say to it, "you know what? you're a flaming asshole." and then laugh about the whole thing.

Eventually, we agreed on nothing

Another random poem brought to you by a hangover! My brain works haltingly on these days, which lends itself somehow to word jumbling. They tumble around in my head like socks in a dryer... these are the ones left behind.

__

We wear our nostalgia like a perfume
forever in search of one lingering moment
(or another)

a lullaby that we glimpse in our mind
always teasing, too quick to be caught–
we never know when it will return.

but it does

it always does,
wearing thin our hearts
in that same aching place

the membrane morphs and thins

things will never be different
(or the same)

in this tapestry of memory
we wait, endlessly weaving

1 a.m. poetry, because.

And like smoke
a horse's form
was born.

speeding like a shot
through the gulfing spaces
that threaten to swallow up everything around them,
that reach out greedily
and caress what is near
with a sly grin and vacuous motives.

who knows why we do what we do
that question is not a question,
after all.

look closely, but don't forget
that existence exists, on the far reaches.
it is all around you,
(endlessly)
peripheral and embedded.

be your own reason.
live as the wide open spaces,
and let the connections take their tenuous hold.

because we can all feel it-
what is wild can be tamed